Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.