News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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Breaking news:
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
When you kidnap a writer.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one