When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Pigeon open mic night.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
i think my razor is having a panic attack
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors