smh
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job