How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
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Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My what?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.