SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
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My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]