[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.