What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
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I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Europe. Made in Germany.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?