@JCWisdomNuggets: Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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@iamburtjarvis: [starbucks] me: can i take some wifi home with me? barista: um. sure(?) me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
@myles_morrison: Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like "that explains it."
@8bitgun: almost called my teacher "mom," but I caught myself after "mo" and added an "n." I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.
@Dutch_50: I'll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, "Nope. I'd rather stay out here."