Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
what the
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”