@JCWisdomNuggets: Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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@jergarl: Wife: Are you drunk? Me: I know this is a trick question so I'm going with no. Why? W: Because you're naked on the neighbors porch. M:...
@SteveKoehler22: Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ? If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete, you'd be shot on the spot.
@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.