@JCWisdomNuggets: Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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@SortaBad: Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea? "I'm not. that. innocent." *frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
@abbycohenwl: "It's a banana in my pocket" "May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?" *averts eyes* "I'm glad to see you"