Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.