Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
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Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.