Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.