@TheTweetOfGod: Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.
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@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
@JoshVeyssi: McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.
@platinum2000: "If you're pregnant you can't get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?" I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.