Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”