Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?