As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
You Might Also Like
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
so i’m at the stock market right
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.