Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.