next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
How times have changed.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ