Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka