@TheTweetOfGod: Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.
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@bonehugsnirony: [at job interview at NASA] NASA: sir, you're underqualified for this position. Me: have you seen our president? NASA: give him a spaceship
@GreenishDuck: One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
@MarfSalvador: [swimming pool] me: do you have family changing facilities? clerk: yes we do me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
@platinum2000: *At the Carnival* Me: How much for the petting zoo? Person: What? *Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*