@TheTweetOfGod: Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.
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@MommaUnfiltered: There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven't seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
@Blunt_Sarcastic: When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.