@TheTweetOfGod: Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.
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@LurkAtHomeMom: Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
@bourgeoisalien: I feel like maybe if God didn't spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he'd have time to fix some shit
@thejessbess: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, "K" so it must be pretty bad.
@ch000ch: i've grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before