Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Thursday
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.