Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Unexpected Judgment
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
The three genders.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.