Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You Might Also Like
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Teach your children to beatbox
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
New tinder profile pic
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: