Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
kevin is now a local weatherman
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Practicing safe sax
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.