Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I am never leaving this website
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
🙀🙀🙀😹
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.