I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
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Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
White parent Vs Arab parents
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
You had me at “define legal”.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.