what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch