“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Mhm.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up