“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.