Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.