I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
classic mixup
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”