[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing