Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.