Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Well, that didn’t work.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW