Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Make new friends? bro out of what?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.