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@nPhelendriqal: Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@Matt_the_1st: If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, "Wanna go clubbing?"
@pakalupapito: i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
@superdadatron: I'll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
@causticbob: Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.