Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”