Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
our love story in four pictures
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂