SF is the wild wild west man
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
same bro
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.