I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”