Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
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Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I feel this so hard
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”