I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.