Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.