If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
pls suprot
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.