@KalvinMacleod: ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

@david8hughes: Friend: my wife & I had our son very young Me: so did we, he was just a baby

@NakedHangover: I'm not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I'm pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@MikeCanRant: People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements

@Birdhumms: Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it's been two weeks I'm still waiting to be added.... *my kind of people