Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
You Might Also Like
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me