@hippieswordfish: nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
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@Cyd10e: 9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe: "It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?"
@SleazySli: I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
@ArfMeasures: ME: One time I was attacked by a shark REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
@JONOCOYOTE: [crime scene] •detective flips open pocket watch• Hmmm...precisely what I thought "What's that sir" •closes watch• It's lunch time