Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’