NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
You Might Also Like
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Day 2 of my diet
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.