[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
$4 #usedbooks
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
The only equipped I am is ill.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know