馃槀馃槀
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they鈥檙e famous or not. It鈥檚 called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Great game to play with friends
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I鈥檒l slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Friends that check up on you >
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
If they鈥檙e right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I鈥檓 cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don鈥檛 have to fix up this freaking house any more
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don鈥檛 let it be solved on a podcast
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I鈥檒l be behind hiding my couch forever..
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.