[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
A friend sent me this.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.