@PaperWash: Perfect Date: 1) Get kids out of the house 2) Light some candles 3) Burn the house down 4) Collect the insurance 5) Take her somewhere nice

@XoMiSsYoX: Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I'm by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. :(

@GreGooglyMoogly: *brings a super-magnet to a knife fight* *discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*

@mofrorock: Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

@Donna_McCoy: Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.