Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Not all heroes wear capes.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine