Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.