Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
A new level of troll.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I love wikipedia
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*