I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.