My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.